Now it´s been 6 years........
So tomorrow it's been 5 years. I can't really even believe it. When Jon died I didn't think I was going to be able to live anymore. And for years I kind of didn't. I did so much that I'm not proud of, not bad stuff you know? .. but a friend of mine called it a spiritual holiday
Cause I've always been a very devoted christian. And God has had this amazing role in my life, leading me through pain and fire.
But Jon was an atheist. And I respected that so much case he was one of the most amazing people I've ever known. And his entire life was as good and amazing as God could ever have asked of him. So even tho he didnt know it, he was the best christian I have ever met
He cared about everyone and helped everyone.. and it may have wore him out.. but I had nothing but the most respect and admiration for what a amazing person he was. And that he wanted to share his life with me. Was mindblowing, Cause I thought I was never good enough for him. And at the time I probably wasn't or he would still be here.
is a long time
But anyway 5 years. fleeting around the world, being everything I'm not. hurting people I should have loved cause it just didnt seem real. And I was to much of a coward to kill myself and made life hell instead of going there, maybe....
Athena, she saved my life. litterarly. Hadn't I had her I would have died and I just know that on the beaches in Samos where I was staying at the time... I went to the catholic church on the top of the hill every day praying. And I was reading The witch of portobello
, and suddenly I got this immense feeling I was destined to have this child. that I had to make her. I didnt know why and I was terrified.. until I was certain I had been called to have her. And it saved my life. And it gave me her to make me want to have the life I had been given as a new start
And here I am. A mother. to this beautiful amazing wonderful child. She has his blue piercing eyes, and blond perfect hair, and she's so tall and long and kind and smart and loving and careful(she's so tenderly careful with everything she does, she's so much like him, (not Jon's child) and I have to believe God did that to keep me fighting.
Knowing that she needs me. and that I can teach her to make the world a better place. To guide her to her fate. to never give up. To always fight for the change and good in the world. And even the darkest places in life are there to guide us to make us grow and that one day this world will be clean of fear, fighting, hate. One day if we all teach our children from our mistakes, our lives. We can make a new tomorrow a new life. where people as amazing as Jon would never die, cause we dont leave anyone behind. And we have to take responsabilty for the fact that we are all family. that we are all humans. not races. not political parties. We are all exactly the same. born with the same start place. its that we forget that that is ruiining our world.
The bible says. We are one army.
Why dont remember this. that even a stranger is closer to you than you can even imagine. that we all have to love eachother and stick together. to treat everyone next to you, like you love them. cause you do. They are your brother. and they are your sister.
Im going abit off to lalaland babbebling. scuse me.
I know Jon's with God now, because I know he told me this was going to be ok,and not to be scared. He held me in my dreams and kept me safe.
And when I was dead. He was there. And its been 5 years. 5 whole years. And I miss my coma. And I wish alot of times I was back there. cause there I could be with him. And feel that safety again. Cause being alive is so terrifying. Your always so stupidly afraid of dying.
And in my life that might be abit more real now .. since Ive been dead 3 times.. I know my luck is running up..
anyway Im babbeling. and telling alot about myself. and leaving out things that would make what I'm telling more understandable...
But .. ehm. 5 years.
I want so many things to be different .. but the only thing I really would want to change in life, is that I had been there, watching a movie on the laptop in bed. That he hadn't died. He could have said he never wanted to see me again, left me. That would be ok. If I got a phone call today saying PSYCH!!! Im in Tibet! I'd be so happy. knowing he was in this world, and that his lap was there to crawl up onto when things are hard. Cause it's the only lap I've ever crawled up too...
But God and destiny doesnt work like that .. you never get what you ask for. But you always get what you need. and everything Ive done that was stupid. led me to Athena. And she is something celestial.
when I prayed for the virtue of patience when I was pregnant and afraid of being a over intense person who moved when the wind changed and fleeted from person to person promising them love I didnt have to give... That darned Bonham gypsy blood .. heh..
God gifted me with a coma .. a long one.. and he took away my memories so I only remember a highlighted version now of my life. and he let me be with Jon for a month ( and it felt like a lifetime, cause it was. I cant explain how a coma works but its like your alive just like it, but it goes so much faster you are anywhere, everywhere.. I remember everything from my coma, now in this life. and I dont always know if this is real. cause this is something I would do in my coma. Babble and cry cause Im scared of tomorrow. )
anyway I prayed for patience and I got a coma and got a long time to learn to write, then speak .. then sit up.. and then practicing standing .. and then I learnt to walk.. and I learnt that I had daughter all over again.. when I fell asleep she was 3 weeks old. She looked so different, so old. ... and Jon I miss you. And I have nothing but patience now. And I would a great girlfriend .. .. now.
You were the only person I ever let get to know me, and the only person I felt like loved me for me ... and you're gone.
why the hell would you have left.
I wouldnt have my life now if not. and Im thankful for that God.
God, Dont misunderstand.. ( Then God probably cannot misunderstand )
But.. Jon ... I think he might be the only person who's ever really loved me.. and so much more than I will ever deserve. And I pray to God every night that Athena , my daughter, will be a good person, a person like you. and I tell her every night about you.. cause we talk to the star sky that we project on the ceiling and we pray for the people we love that we name the different stars as, and I tell her about them, family, friends... the begger we walk by to church..
Love everyone. cause everyone is amazing to someone and never let them think that they are alone because they never will be. and when they called and told me Jon had been found. and that stupid shot gun I told him not to own .. ... I just wish .. I wish he would have asked me. If I still loved him. Cause I would have never let him go. I would have held him forever and let him know. that He was my everything.
And Athena is now. She is my everything. I couldnt even imagine. mothers love is overwhelming. and God do I love her. She is.. perfect. from her dimples to stars in her eyes...
It's just so complicated. cause Im so afraid of letting her down, of having to leave. cause every death has a lesson learned. and I know that could be a destiny too.
but I hope she never has to know.
So Jon? as long as God lets me Ill be here... And I want to be alive. And I'm so sorry for that. Cause .. A HUgE part of me would give anything to be there with you..
Im sorry you watched me get so sick.. Im so sorry I wasnt there enough for you when you were sad. Im so sorry I didnt tell you how much I loved you... Im so sorry I wasn't ready for everything you needed. ... Im so sorry that your dead and Im still alive. ..
and Im sorry that I didnt love you enough. Im sorry I didnt know how much you meant to me til after you were gone, I didnt even imagine I could love you as much as I do Jon ? You'd love Athena.
Athena Just woke up from her nap. She's lying here now on my lap all warm and fuzzy.. with blue china eyes (those squinty eyes you get in the morning)And Jon I'm sorry... But 5 years.. I pray for 5 more... and know I miss you more every single day. And I cant wait to be with you again... (so hard to say) .. but I have to wait ... for my time ... Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Love Notes: Wuw yu pwincess
Thanks for a wonderfull
You have my
and always wil
Love you so much
Re: (no subject)
Your so sweet!!!!!!
You are my world
said the following:
you more than everything
sk*And A Poem he write me : I love you, I really do
to = 332w 5d ago
I know I'm not good at showing emotions
I know I'm not always like you want me to be
I know I'm not always easy to be around
I know I'm not good at talking to you
But I do know I'd go to the end of the world for you
I do know that everytime your near me I feel great
I do know that everytime your near me my heart beats faster
I do know that everytime you smile to me I feel like the luckiest man in the world
I do know that I love you
And sometimes it feels like you don't know it ...
I only hope that one day I can take all your suspicion away and show you that my heart truly belongs to you and only you
I only hope that one day you wil let me love you the way your supposed to be loved
I only hope that one day you wil let me in ...